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![Police Seize More Than $50 In Wire From Nation\](http://img.youtube.com/vi/aU2SWgP9qao&feature=youtube_gdata/2.jpg "Police Seize More Than $50 In Wire From Nation\") |
Police Seize More Than $50 In Wire From Nation's Wealthiest Crystal Meth Dealer Posted by: TheOnion
Video duration: 142 seconds Police invaded notorious meth dealer Daryl Krogen's home, seizing dozens of bicycle parts and more than ten dollars worth of stolen paint. |
![In The Know: Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don\](http://img.youtube.com/vi/2RrreVthWRY&feature=youtube_gdata/2.jpg "In The Know: Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don\") |
In The Know: Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don't Give A Shit? Posted by: TheOnion
Video duration: 138 seconds Panelists discuss the many ways in which our educational system caters to students who try, care, are awake. |
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TIME Announces New Version Of Magazine Aimed At Adults Posted by: TheOnion
Video duration: 114 seconds Doing away with kid-friendly info bubbles and colorful photos, new 'TIME Advanced' will cater to adults with an interest in news. |
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Overcome Stress By Visualizing It As A Greedy, Hook-Nosed Race Of Creatures Posted by: TheOnion
Video duration: 159 seconds On Today Now!, author Christine Eckard teaches Jim and Tracy to imagine economic problems as oily, curly-haired "Grabblers." |
![Guatemalan Flight\](http://img.youtube.com/vi/8du60e0ANuE&feature=youtube_gdata/2.jpg "Guatemalan Flight\") |
Guatemalan Flight's Data-Recording Parrot Holds Clues To Crash Posted by: TheOnion
Video duration: 139 seconds Chilling audio recovered from Flight 1134's data-recording parrot, Banana, contain mentions of "altitude loss", "pretty feathers". |
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Jennifer Aniston Adopts 33-Year-Old Boyfriend From Africa Posted by: TheOnion
Video duration: 139 seconds Today Now! welcomes entertainment reporter Alex Blair, who has all the gossip on Jen's adorable new man. |
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Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody Posted by: TheOnion
Video duration: 185 seconds "'Molly' and Developmental Psychologist Dr. Kenneth Ives come on Today Now! to talk about her upbringing as a half-human, half-Wolf Blitzer. |
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Truck Accident That Killed Rafters in Canyon Sparks Truck-Canyon-Rafter Reform Debate Posted by: TheOnion
Video duration: 160 seconds In The Know panelists discuss yesterday's truck accident, and why nothing was done to prevent the vehicle from accidentally spiraling out of control and killing rafters in canyon below. |
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New Apple Friend Bar Gives Customers Someone To Talk At About Mac Products Posted by: TheOnion
Video duration: 175 seconds Tech Trends' Jeff Tate explains the new service that pairs insufferable Apple customers with "friends" that will listen to them rattle on for hours. |
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Future: News From The Year 2137 - Now Available Posted by: TheOnion
Video duration: 51 seconds Purchase Now from iTunes: http://onion.com/ONN fn6 While other media outlets bring you news as it happens, only the Onion News Network has the power to bring you the news before it happens. With our state-of-the-art wormhole satellites, we can now transmit Onion News Network broadcasts from the year 2137. |
![Al-Qaeda Calls Off Attack On Nation\](http://img.youtube.com/vi/T1l217B88nk&feature=youtube_gdata/2.jpg "Al-Qaeda Calls Off Attack On Nation\") |
Al-Qaeda Calls Off Attack On Nation's Capitol To Spare Life Of 'Twilight' Author Posted by: TheOnion
Video duration: 193 seconds ONN's Terrorism Expert Omar Al-Farouq explains how Al-Qaeda's love for the beloved teen vampire series prevented the death of thousands. |
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Congress, 1924: Rep. Demands Horses Wear Dresses To Hide Foul Penises Posted by: TheOnion
Video duration: 142 seconds In June 1924 Representative Oliver Shaker (D) condemned government inaction on the issue of publicly exposed horse penis and proposed a law which would federallyr equire horses to wear modesty dresses. |
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USDA Recalls 96,000 Pounds Of Tainted Beef From One Family Posted by: TheOnion
Video duration: 114 seconds Officials say a positive E. coli test prompted the recall, affecting the Wharton family's stores of ground beef, beef chuck, and rump roast. |
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Census Visits Providing Shut-Ins Once-A-Decade Chance For Human Interaction Posted by: TheOnion
Video duration: 176 seconds On Today Now!, 87-year-old Beverly DeAngeles gives tips for trapping a census worker in your home for as long as possible. |
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Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay Posted by: TheOnion
Video duration: 152 seconds Plagued for years by swirling rumors about its sexuality, soccer has finally come out, becoming the world's first openly gay sport. |
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Do Glass Pipes, Incense Prove Teens Are Practicing Shamanism? Posted by: TheOnion
Video duration: 174 seconds A troubling national report finds an increasing number of parents have found strange pipes, herbs, and other implements of shamanic activity in their teenagers' bedrooms. |
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Boston Globe Tailors Print Edition For Three Remaining Subscribers Posted by: TheOnion
Video duration: 148 seconds The paper says the new personalized articles target the interests of Massachusetts residents and final three Globe readers Michael Fisher, Camille Kresge, and Buddy. |
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Incredibly Sexy Firefighter Tragically Dies In Steamy Blaze Posted by: TheOnion
Video duration: 152 seconds Jim and Tracy welcome fallen firefighter Logan Norelli's wife on Today NOW! for a special tribute to a true American hero and total smokin' hottie. |
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Congressmen Submit Emergency 3 AM Bill Demanding IHOP Stay Open All Night Posted by: TheOnion
Video duration: 134 seconds The bipartisan group of representatives who submitted the emergency bill late last night say they stand by it, though they don't completely remember all of the details. |
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Christian Groups: Biblical Armageddon Must Be Taught Alongside Global Warming Posted by: TheOnion
Video duration: 149 seconds Constitutional debate continues over whether public schools should include biblical Armageddon alongside global warming in end-of-world curriculum. |
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